I haven’t written one of these Having a Moment posts in a bit, but I’ve been thinking about writing this one forever. Today, I guess I just got into a mood and this spilled right out. So here we go!
When I was 24 and 25, there were times I was going out with 3 different guys in the same week. And, being someone who was never asked out (at least publicly) during high school or college, I really enjoyed going on dates. I have had some serious boyfriends. I have met a lot of men who I’ve clicked with, and some that were not ideal dates. I have kissed and laughed and split the bill and made eye contact across the bar and dissected text messages and been ghosted and everything in between.
And now, at 29, looking back at all of that, I’m so exhausted.
I don’t even know if it’s the age that brought it on, but lately, I’m really just so tired of it all. Dating, something I used to enjoy, has become monotonous. I’m tired of swiping through the same men using the same pictures they used in 2014 on dating sites. I’m tired of not having someone to take with me to all of the fun things my life allows me to do. I’m tired of having to unload my bad days on my friends because it’s just me. Solo.
Let me be clear: this in no way is a knock to my friends and family who, so diligently, attempt to remember the story and status of each guy in my dating rotation (“Wait – is he the 25 year old or the one who works at Penn?”). I am so lucky to have people who actually care about my quest for love. But sometimes, it’s just so absolutely draining to rattle off these status updates – mixed in with reasons why it’s probably not going to work well with the law student or the guy who hates the city – sometimes I even notice mid-sentence how much I hate it.
The thing is, I know everyone says “it happens when you’re not looking!” and I get that. But I don’t know how not to look. It surrounds me, literally everywhere. With each wedding invitation I receive and each time I sign on to another year of my lease to live alone. My friends are moving in together and getting married and having babies. I can’t not think about for me.
I recently met with a very sweet Philly matchmaker from Three Day Rule. I was not there as a paying customer, but someone to be added to TDR’s database to potentially be matched with their paying peeps. It was a good experience overall, but we met at a Saxby’s, with people around, and there I was answering her questions about my life, my celebrity crush (I said Chris Farley), and – the big one – why I thought I was single.
Later on, I thought, gosh, I must be really desperate. Or crazy. Or even thirsty as hell. But what I’ve come to realize, is that I’m the type of person who takes active steps towards increasing the outcome that I want. And though I am currently absolutely hating continuing to put myself out there, I’m still holding out hope my man is out there somewhere. Cross your fingers for me.