In dating in Philly over the years, I’ve run into my fair share of things that have shut down my prospective relationships. From an unhealthy obsession with cats, to a very severe lack of common interests, to, of course, the occasional UDP (if you know, you know), sometimes matches just aren’t meant to be. But lately, the issue that seems to be plaguing my budding romances most stems directly from be me being confident about what I’m looking for, and that, for the most part, making the guy run the other way. And this all manifests itself in the planning. of. freaking. dates.
That’s honestly it. The “things” I’ve had with the last several men I’ve gone out with have ended when I’ve asked to confirm a date. Right now, at this stage of my life, I’m not looking to go on one date a month. I want nothing less than a texting buddy. If the date went well and we’re both looking for the same thing, it’s impossible for me to think (and, has been programmed into my brain by every magazine since birth) that a guy can’t make time for another quick date soon after. When we have trouble nailing that down, that’s where I get uneasy, which usually gives them, an easy out.
I know that asserting what I’m looking for (which, as a reminder, is to go on actual dates) early on is risky. I forever struggle to keep the balance of sharing what is important to me, and making sure I don’t come off too aggressive. Like I explained this summer, I’m efficient and organized, and, translated to my dating life, I’m slightly uninterested in investing months of time in a so-so thing. It’s tiring! As I’m saying, sure you can let me know by Thursday night if Friday works, I’ll keep my whole night open for you, or, no I don’t care that you want to reschedule without giving alternative dates, my night I held open for you (and, when I was dating more frequently, other men I pushed back to keep this date) is NBD. My life is busy, it’s not NBD to me.
In addition to my planning personality, I struggle with the fact that the stating of this alone is something that makes men back out. I always want the other person to be up front about what they’re looking for. I know this has come likely out of years of “failed” romance frustrations, but also from maturity. As I was thinking about this post, I was reminded of a time years ago when I kept floating potential times to hang out by a guy I was slightly intimidated by, but never confirming a date. And after a few of his attempts to solidify something, he explained he didn’t have time for the games, and ended things. It stung, and I felt horrible for wasting his time.
I feel like I’m saying more of what I want and feel across the board in my life right now – at my job, with my family, and with my friends. It’s been really good for me. And while my friends may agree with everything I said above (we don’t want pen pals), and my family may think I shut things down too quickly, maybe it all comes down to the fact that I haven’t come across the right guy that responds to that, that I’m equally interested in, just yet. But I am going to continue to work on the balance. And that’s the best I can do right now. xx